Disclaimer: some incidents have been altered to wreak more pity on me.
I am looking for explanations, justifications, anything. I could take the biology route, blame it on chromosomes or genes, but gene therapists are expensive these days. And I’m pretty sure there’s no DNA pattern that codes for “tomboy”. I could just say I was born this way….
Then again: my problems started shortly after birth. When my parents went to name me. Angeli Christian Desaulniers. Angeli Christian Desaulniers. What kind of fugly middle name is that? For a girl?
Let the fun begin.
I can remember the moment I first felt like a true big sister. It was Christmas and my grandmother gave me and my younger sister Gwen dolls. One was pink, the other blue. We fought over the pink one, except it wasn’t a fair fight…because Mom was on Gwen’s side. Grandma continued to send dual-coloured Christmas presents: stuffed bears, pajamas. Oh, dear Grammy – you just screwed your eldest granddaughter over.
I got used to blue. it was a more beautiful colour anyway. When I was in grade two, the feature length Disney movie Mulan came out. Goodbye life as I knew it. What’s wrong with Mulan? In a word: Nothing. What’s right with Mulan? She’s noble and brave and Asian and can do really cool karate. I’m noble and brave and Asian and…that’s where the similarities end. But, most of all she could do whatever she liked with her clothes. This made her a hero in my mind.
I didn’t even know what it was like to have that kind of freedom until “the Shoes”. They were Reeboks, they were new, and they were mine. These shoes turned me into a being that was equal parts Cinderella, Dorothy and Hermes.
Shortly after the shoes came the sweater. Shortly after the sweater came the t-shirts, shortly after the t-shirts came the jeans, and shortly after the jeans came the confidence.
That’s right: the confidence. There’s nothing that will make you more comfortable than being yourself. So, I could look for all the explanations I wanted, I could blame it on anyone who’s ever crossed paths with me, but that’s not the point. This is where I am now…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Angeli Desaulniers
